Mary Sue's Coming to Hillwood!
by Houkanno Yuuhou
Summary: Mary Sue visits the cast of Hey Arnold. Riots ensue. Everyone panic now and flee in terror. R/R is really appreciated for this


Hello everyone. I have brought you all here to teach you about Mary Sue. Mary Sue is an enigma. She shows up in the most ridiculous places, only to steal the spotlight, and yes, probably to also steal the main character's heart. Sigh. Mary Sue is perfect. All the men want to have babies with her, and all the women despise her...but secretly wish that they could be as perfect as her.  
I think Mary Sue's paid a little visit almost everywhere...but one certain place that we all love and adore. It's time our favorite little preteens meet her.   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Hey Arnold" or the Mary Sue concept, and I'm sure Craig Bartlett wouldn't want to own this wench either. Same goes for me. Mary Sues lurk everywhere, so be careful. They can sneak up on you, too. Breathing down your neck like some precious little nymph. Evil nymph. Good God, let's get ready to flee in terror because….  
  
"Mary Sue's Coming to Hillwood!"  
An amusing little educational fic by Houkanno Yuuhou  
  
  
It was a very blisteringly hot day in Hillwood. Arnold and the gang were setting on the steps of the Sunset Arms eating Mr. Fudgies, trying to beat the heat. Helga was breaking child labor laws by forcing Phoebe to fan her nonstop.   
Stinky was bored. "Aw, shucks, everyone, I'm so bored. What are we waitin' here for anyway?"  
"I have a premonition that a new person is coming to town," Sid answered.  
Harold scratched his head. "Who told you that?"  
"I called Miss Cleo. Them cards never lie," Sid replied. Harold and Stinky proceeded to beat him with their Mr. Fudgie sticks. It was too painful to even watch.  
"Great," Helga moaned, "so we have to wait for geekbait's 'premonition' to come and find us." She took a sip of her Yahoo! Soda. "What a way to spend a summer day." She sighed. "Phoebe, did I tell you to stop fanning me?"  
"No, ma'am."  
"Good, then speed it up."  
"Hey Pheebs, when you get done with Helga, will you come fan me?"  
Phoebe smiled, and little stars lit up in her eyes. You could tell that she liked the boy, or else she was really, really stoned. "Yes, Gerald!" she answered in a really high, annoying voice. "Anything for you!"  
"Quiet!" Sid yelled. "Someone's coming."  
Sure enough, a beautiful, buxom blonde vixen was making her way over to them. She was only ten, like them, but she already had enough...errr...boobs to fill a C cup. She managed to avoid knocking down Eugene on her way over, which startled Eugene so much that he thought he was free of his curse, ran out into the street to dance, and was promptly smacked by a car.  
"I'm okay," he called weakly.  
The beautiful girl stopped close to Arnold, which annoyed Helga to no end. I shouldn't have to tell you that. Don't you watch the show enough???  
She smiled, flashing a set of pearly whites of which not a one was crooked. Her full, ruby lips had not one single crack on their perfect lip form. "Hello, my name is Mary Sue. My family just moved here from England. I'll be attending P.S. 118 in Autumn. Is that around here?" She even had a charming English accent to boot. This girl made Lila look like a frigid red herring. Her dress and heels were so stylish that she made Rhonda's outfit look old fashioned in comparison. Rhonda cried and ran off to kill her parents for buying her such "awful rags" that if sold, could buy enough food for the whole continent of Africa, but I won't go into that right now.  
"Aw shucks," Stinky said bashfully, "you sure are purtty, Mary Sue."  
All the guys nodded their approval. The girls began to plot ways to kill off Mary Sue.  
Mary Sue was busy making goo-goo eyes at Stinky, but Arnold thought they were for him, so he started subconsciously preening himself. "Yeah, Mary Sue, you are very pretty. Do you have a boyfriend?"  
Mary Sue giggled, which oddly enough sounded something like a million crystal glasses tinkling together. Arnold sighed dreamily, as did the other guys. "No, but I'd like one. However, I'm not certain that my parents would let me go out at such a young age. It isn't appropriate for young girls to date while still in grammar school."  
"Great," Phoebe moaned, "she recites longer sentences than me. Now I know utterly pathetic I sounded to you all. It must be-"  
"Shut UP, Phoebe!" everyone shouted. Phoebe muttered something about the intellectually challenged.  
Mary Sue gasped, and even that sounded adorable, like kittens mewing or something. She batted her long, perfect eyelashes. "Oh, you all shouldn't yell at this poor girl like that. That isn't very nice at all. It's quite important to be pleasant to everyone you meet."  
"True, true," Gerald replied, nodding his head. He didn't bother to wipe the drool away from his chin, so Phoebe wiped it away for him.  
"Wow, Football Head," Helga laughed, "she's even more polite and crap than you!" Secretly to herself, she thought, 'No one can do that to my beloved! She must die!'  
Mary Sue stood up. "My parents are calling me. It's dinnertime, so I must be off." Everyone stared at her, confused. She giggled again, this time sounding like a set of chimes in the breeze. "Oh, didn't I tell you? I can read minds. I am psychic." With that said, she gracefully skipped off in the direction she had come.  
"Great!" Sid yelled triumphantly. "I'll never have to waste money on Miss Cleo again!"  
The remainder of the group began to beat Sid with whatever weapon they could find.  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
So Mary Sue's parents stayed in Hillwood for several months. During that time, she had dated Stinky, Gerald, Sid, and was going steady with Arnold when the tragic news came. Her parents had to move back to England because of her grandmama's failing health. Arnold was devastated.  
But Helga hadn't heard the news yet and was still planning to murder Mary Sue for taking her beloved away from her.  
"She will pay! Hahahahahahahaha!" Helga's newfound insanity made Curly look like the poster boy for normal to which Curly was displeased.   
The ill-fated day came. Never had the friends seen such a gloomy sky. It was like all of Nature was crying over Mary Sue's eminent departure. So so sad. Really.  
They were all at Slaussen's, eating what would be their last dessert together. Everyone had ordered banana splits-Mary Sue's favorite-to celebrate the magnificence that was Mary Sue. Helga volunteered to get everyone's ice cream. Which automatically made Gerald suspicious, of course.   
"That girl is up to something," he whispered to Arnold.  
"She's just being nice," he whispered back, because this is Arnold, and you know he'd never ever think of Helga doing something totally evil. Which is what Helga was counting on when the time came that she would have to appear before a judge.  
Helga returned with everyone's dishes, giving Mary Sue's dish to her first. "You should be first since you're leaving blah blah blah."  
Mary Sue smiled, lighting up the room more, if you can believe that. "Why, thank you, Helga! That's so nice of you!"  
"Yeah, whatever." Helga threw everyone else their dishes. Then she sat, watching Mary Sue with an unwavering scowl. 'Eat it. Eat it, you Lila copycat,' she whispered in her head.   
Mary Sue took a bite, not noticing the hard tan substance mixed in with the vanilla ice cream. Suddenly, she began to choke and grasp for air. Even while she was turning bluish-purple, she still look pristine, her bluish color not unlike that of a beautiful, shining sapphire. How awful.  
"Mary Sue!" Arnold shouted.   
"What's wrong?" Sid asked.  
"P-p-pean-n-nutsss," Mary Sue stammered. Yes, folks, even her stupid stammering was lovely.   
"Oh my gosh!" Lila yelled, coming out of the shadows that she's been in this entire fic. "I bet she's-"  
"Shut up!" Helga butted in and jumped up on the table. "This is my dastardly plan, so I get to tell what is happening! Got that?" Lila nodded meagerly and shrank back into the shadows. Helga turned to everyone and shouted joyously...and maniacally, "It is I who did this!"  
Arnold gasped. "What do you mean, Helga??"  
She pointed at Mary Sue, whose big violet doe eyes shook with fear. "You are perfect, Mary Sue! Too perfect, some might say! So I made it my mission to discover what secret little flaw you have. I was delighted to find out that you are allergic to peanuts! So I began my plan to get rid off you. I organized this little 'shindig' because I also knew that the strain of the crowds' thought would be too much for your telepathy to handle, thus creating a perfect distraction for me to put the peanuts in your ice cream!"  
"Why did you do it, Miss Pataki?" Gerald asked, donning his detective gear.  
"Because...because...uh," Helga stuttered, looking lovingly at Arnold. "Because I love you, Arnold! I always have! I can't live without you anymore, and I won't let Miss Perfect over there gagging on the peanuts stand in the way of my ultimate happiness!"  
Mary Sue looked at Helga and shook her perfectly oval head. She motioned for someone to bring her paper and something to write with. Phoebe gave her a tube of fire-engine red lipstick and a crusty napkin. Mary Sue wrote something and then handed it to Arnold to read.  
"It says," he read, "'I feel sorry for you, Helga, and I forgive you.'"  
Helga jumped up and down like a rapid monkey. "But you can't! I don't want you to! That will spoil my victory! This isn't fair!"  
Suddenly, Curly jumped from out of a booth and stabbed Helga in the back several times. Laughing madly, he shouted, "You will never outdo me! I am crazy, you hear! Cuh-razy!!!" Then he ran off, leaving everyone stunned.   
"I'm dying here!" Helga whined.  
Mary Sue wrote something else and handed it to Arnold, who read it and blushed fiercely.   
"What does it say, Arnold?" Phoebe asked while trying to wipe up Helga's blood from the floor with napkins.  
"It says, 'I'll always love you, Arnold. It's time for me to go.'" He kissed Mary Sue and cried as he watched her slip away. "I will always love you, too, Mary Sue," he vowed. "Now that my only love is gone, I will devote my life to a monastery."   
"Blast it!" Helga moaned. "She stole my beloved again! Will no one ever love me?" The sound of wheezing was heard, making Helga groan. "Good night, everybody," she said, and then finally passed away, her body letting out one huge gurgle of blood which made everyone vomit up their ice cream.  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
So needless to say, funerals were held for Helga and Mary Sue, but they were at the same time, so everyone ended up at Mary Sue's, even Helga's own parents, which isn't surprising considering how neglectful they are.   
Everyone spent the entire funeral commenting on how Mary Sue had touched their lives, and since she got around a lot and was adored by pretty much the whole world, the cemetery was crammed full of people from all walks of life.  
Except where Helga was being buried. It was empty. Mary Sue had won again.  
Arnold went on to become a monk, but ended up permanently hospitalized when he realized that he really loved Helga all that time, but never told her. Phoebe and Gerald went on to marry, of course, Stinky married Lila, Sid and Nadine got hitched, Harold and Rhonda eloped, pissing off her and his parents...well, you know the rest.  
So beware of the vicious Mary Sue, my friends. She'll inhabit your fic, destroy everyone's lives, and steal the men. Even the women. Stay away! 


End file.
